I survived! After three years of almost daily abuse I grew up and lashed out. For years I couldn't dare share the shame of sexual abuse so I turned to alcohol, men, drugs, anything for affection and avoidance. Then my mother passed away 10 days before my 18th birthday. This sent me into a downward spiral of more alcohol abuse. When I sobered up I met my first husband. We became pregnant first and I begged him to marry me. I was seeking love from someone who had a hole in too. A God shaped hole that I didn't realize needed to be filled by God and could only be filled by God.
I married 2 more times. Did more drugs. Drank more alcohol. Had another child that I gave up for adoption and had 3 abortions. Still needing something I could not find in other people I finally paused. My last marriage ended with me realizing there had to be more! Driving down the road after 9/11 I saw a church steeple. I had driven past it many times but this time I was compelled to go in. I went in, prayed, and on the way out saw a divorce recovery sign that gave me a safe option for returning. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't be missed. I wasn't committed to a service just a group. And I went. I went and I cried, I grew, and I committed. Finally! I committed to Sundays at that church. And I fell in love with Jesus. He was always there I just had never let him in. I deliberately and willingly decided to follow Jesus.
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